School

Written After I Completed the Course:

Well, I am all done and back home with Gaylene. We have spent the last three days at the Lake House getting it situated. The house looks amazing, in its new, "wife-ified" incarnation.

(R)Anger School was quite a ride. The atmosphere was a lot like I imagine a prison camp would feel. I am going to write a summary diary-ette of the experience when I get time for those of you who want to know more about the Course for your own use. Here now though, I'll just tell you what happened. I finished all of Ranger School and did very well but was not awarded the tab at the end. Why not? Well, I told you before I started that Ranger School was the kind of place where anything can happen - and it did. They say you either have a tab or a story...so here's mine.

For those of you who know me, you know I will take my lumps when I have earned them. I can give an unqualified "mea culpa" with the best of them. But this is not one of those times. Not that I was perfect by any means but, as I said already, I did very well, and I have the satisfaction of an outstanding patrol record and a half dozen "major plusses" in my file to prove it.

The short version, though, is that I got put into a different squad for the last (Florida) phase, and they were tight with each other. So tight that when the time came for what are known as "peer evaluations" I was "peered" last (except by the only guy who was also new to the squad and had no interest in protecting anyone - he peered me first). The squad even told me that they had nothing against me but said that they didn't want to place any of their guys in the last spot because they had been together since the first day and had a pact not to do so. Well, peer evaluations are a controversial but pivotal part of the grading scheme and affect a man's pass or fail status, and being peered last was enough to keep me from being awarded the Ranger "tab" for wear on my uniform.

To my gratification, four of the instructors approached me and told me they had all gone to the commander and told him I was being railroaded by a squad who was abusing the peer system. Keep in mind that Ranger Instructors are not quick with praise or kudos, and if I were a dirt bag they would have no hesitation telling me so, in technicolor. They said they were confident the Brigade Commander would reverse the decision if I appealed to him. Our peer platoon sergeant (who was an Honor Graduate) also came forward at this time and told the Board that I had been a "go-to-guy" for him throughout the phase; and another guy came forward too, saying that my work had made him look good and that I was the reason he got his "go" (passing grade) in Florida. The rest of the platoon gave my squad a very hard time for being so political. They all knew how I had performed, and it was gratifying to hear them say so - directly and repeatedly - to my squad. But despite all of this, it didn't happen for me. I came home empty-handed, albeit with a lot of valuable experiences and training that I will take back with me to the next course or next deployment. The experience will allow me to exceed expectations anywhere else I go...since I do not wear my training "on my sleeve."

Throughout my time in Army communities, I have seen good and even excellent soldiers sent home from "elite" courses empty-handed and told to come back and try again, as I was this time. Indeed, it seems almost a part of the culture to redo phases or whole courses. I can think of twenty people off the top of my head who have a story like mine from their first try. People who are highly accomplished. Even the honor graduate from my Ranger School Class had tried two years before to earn the Ranger Tab, had recycled Florida back then, and still gone home without his tab. I have been told by insiders that sometimes the powers that be are just trying to see if you have the stones to come back and do it over...that doing so says as much about your persistence and your ability to not be defeated as any assessment they could devise as part of the course.

Standing there on the last day with all of the  rest of the class, waiting to go and turn in our equipment, we were addressed by a representative from a Ranger "alumni association." He was talking with the group about membership...and while I was ineligible on paper, I felt every bit as much a Ranger as any of them, and had the satisfaction of knowing that my patrol and performance record outshone at least 90% of the others standing there. At 40 years old, that knowledge should count more than a cloth tab on my shoulder that says "Ranger..." and most days it does. I'll confess that I have had my moments since though when I wish I had the trophy to show for the experience...and I wonder at the rationale God used to withhold it from me after all the work I did. But I also know that we as humans have free will, and that my squad can - like other humans - exercise that free will against others...despite what God would have them do. For God to make the world any different would require the revocation of our free will...and that would not be a loving thing to do at all.

I have tried to stay on the high road in dealing with second squad. I have tried to remember them as they were throughout the phase when we were working well together. I will take that experience back to SF and it will be helpful to me...as they - and the whole platoon - were a well performing unit that it benefited me and my competence to be a part of. In that spirit, on that last day I was there, I walked through the whole of my Ranger Class and went down the line of second squad. I shook each of their hands and congratulated them, saying "God bless you." Doing that taught me a lot about why God requires Christians to treat those well who treat us poorly. It's not a "pushover complex" that nice or pious guys are supposed to display...rather, it is liberating for you. Like all of such Commandments, it is a practical benefit rather than a flowery display of piety for its own sake. Shaking their hands - and meaning it - gave me dignity...maybe the kind of dignity that will be hard to explain to some Army types, but that was the effect. Shaking their hands allowed me to transcend my circumstances and take the high road when doing so was exceedingly difficult. I can't say that I always took the high road throughout the course when certain things frustrated me, but I can only hope that the way I left it on that last day was a good witness for God when it would have been so easy to lash out. If that example leads someone who was there to find out more about What (or Who) made that possible for me, then I will count my own personal loss worth it.

Weeks beforehand, that had been what Gaylene and I had discussed...we had prayed that I might be a man of God at Ranger School first; and we put the tab second in priority. When we had finished talking, she asked me "did you mean that?" I would have never known if I had meant it or not had I been tabbed on that day. I can say now that I did. And if I had graduated I would have been just another guy doing so, rather than what I hope was helpful to others on how to handle a challenging time...or better yet, how to find Christ in the first place.

They say that God works mysteriously, and in ways that are often counter to how we would have done things. This is such a case for me. I would have never thought it possible that a failure like this could produce even greater personal security in me, but it did. Why? Because I saw that I had strength inside WITHOUT the external validation that a tab would bring. Knowing that is a source of great security - to know that I can honestly feel that way in spite of this tells me of the strength I possess far more than the 60 cent piece of cloth ever could. I am thankful to know that...despite the weak moments of "@#%&* why?" I have had on occasion since coming home. Thankfully too, despite the responsibility I feel to my unit for the money and time they spent on my going, they have been understanding. They have seen and experienced the same type of thing themselves often enough to know that these things do happen.

Yes, there will be people who will see this whole diatribe as rationalization, and some less mature people will probably even give me a hard time for the simple fact of not having the tab...despite all I might say how the peer system was abused to deny me what I earned. But any true friend will not do this, and mine have not...and in the end those are the only opinions I care anything about.

Fortunately, my unit and everyone in "The Community" I have spoken with has been very understanding and acknowledged that getting through that course and most of these types of courses often doesn't happen on the first or fourth try (even for the best people) and that it has a lot to do with what we all call roulette (with respect to instructors and/or our peer group). They have seen this time and again.

Blah blah blah...I won't do any more crying about it.

- Marc     

Written prior to the start on May 25 (between PreRanger School and Ranger School Proper):

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